


The Letters of 1994

by wolfiefics



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Sarcasm, Snark, a couple letters in the mix from sirius black, letter format, sent by owl of course
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 09:03:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20225269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfiefics/pseuds/wolfiefics
Summary: Following Prisoner of Azkaban, letters are exchanged between Severus Snape and Remus Lupin, ironing out their issues and creating new ones.





	The Letters of 1994

**Author's Note:**

> I think this was written in 2011 or 2012. I had planned on continuing on with it as a series, year by year, but alas I never did.

_August 6, 1994_

Severus,  
Please find enclosed my opinion of you outing me as a werewolf. Though I haven’t acted the Marauder in years, I find that your stunt brought out the Marauder in me.  
Sincerely,  
R. J. Lupin

_August 9, 1994_

Lupin,  
Thank you for the kind gift. It will please you to know that it took Madam Pomfrey and I two days to clear up those lovely boils. The Headmaster said that particular shade of mauve was quite becoming on me. If you do it again, I will hex you until your bollocks fall off.  
Yours,  
S. Snape

_August 13, 1994 (lunch post)_

Severus,  
What color is mauve? Did anyone get a picture? I miss the WolfsBane Potion.  
RJ Lupin

_(evening post)_

Lupin,  
Idiot. They did not.  
S. Snape

_(evening post)_

Remus,  
I couldn’t help but read your missive over Severus’ shoulder during lunch this afternoon. I believe you will find these photographs amusing. However, I do ask that you cease maiming my Potions Master, especially when said Potions Master had to help with his own cure.

Yrs,  
Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster  
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry  
Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards  
Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot

_August 14, 1994 (morning post)_

Headmaster,  
I do apologize, but he deserved it.  
Your servant as always,  
R.J. Lupin

_(immediate return post)_  
Remus,  
I quite agree.

_August 28, 1994_

Lupin,  
Considering you are not completely incompetent in regards to the Dark Arts, lycanthropy not withstanding, take a look at this spell and tell me what you think. For God’s sake, don’t use it on anything or anyone you wish to remain alive.  
S. Snape

_August 30, 1994_

Severus,  
That is the most hideous thing I have ever seen. Did you invent that? Please tell me that’s not the top-secret thing that Albus has you working on. I am horrified. My philodendrons will never be the same.  
RJ Lupin  
P.S. I think it needs a bit more swish instead of flick. It seemed very awkward to me. Perhaps a wrist twitch instead of a true swish a la Flitwick? Seemed to have smoother results.

_September 1, 1994_

Lupin,  
After several days of trying your inane idea of a wrist twitch instead of the swishing motion I recommended I have come to the conclusion you may not be an entirely useless member of our society. You do use the brain God gave you on occasion. I’m pleased with the result of our collaboration. Though it pains me to ask, may I send you other formulae in which to test? Sometimes Albus is a bit too…know-it-all and I need another set of eyes.  
S. Snape  
P.S. I told you not to use the spell on anything living, you nitwit.

_September 4, 1994_

Severus,  
I suppose, though please tell me what you sent me previous is not typical of the type of collaboration you are considering. That spell was downright disturbing. Should I charge you for my somewhat acceptable services?  
Remus  
P.S. The philodendrons weren’t a big loss anyway. I never liked them.

_September 5, 1994_

Lupin,  
What about this one? It's nonverbal and for inanimate, nonliving items only, so don't point it at your gardenias.  
S. Snape

_September 7, 1994_

Severus,  
In the Muggle vernacular...wow! That's quite a dead useful little spell. What would you use it for? And how do you get it to go away? My garden gate doesn't seem to work encased in that bubble.  
Remus

_September 8, 1994 (morning post)_

Lupin,  
I actually haven't foggiest clue, actually.  
S. Snape

_(lunch post)_  
Severus,  
To which question?  
Remus

_(evening post)_  
Lupin,  
Both, actually. Needs a bit of work, which is why I said nothing animate or alive. I suffocated a mandrake by accident. It was rather...gruesome and I've been banned from Greenhouse 3 by Sprout. Naturally that's where all the useful herbs I need for potions are, the spiteful cow.  
S. Snape

_September 9, 1994_

Severus,  
That wasn't nice and you deserved it. I'm with Pomona on this one.  
Remus

_September 10, 1994 (morning post...had a bit of marmalade on the corner from breakfast)_

Lupin,  
Typical Gryffindor. Take everyone's side but the hapless Slytherin.  
S. Snape

_(evening post, a lot of blotches in the first two words but not on the last ones...)_  
Severus,  
Well, it wasn't very nice. 

For a moment I thought you wrote “helpless Slytherin”. I broke my quill I was laughing so hard at such a ludicrous statement coming from you, of all people.  
Remus

_September 13, 1994 (morning post in a nearly illegible scrawl)_

Lupin,  
Drink the enclosed and for the sake of all that’s grim and gritty, DON’T DROP IT.  
S. Snape  
P.S. Slytherins are not helpless by any stretch of the word, true. And who said I had to be nice in a private post to a somewhat respected peer, I'd like to know?

_(received lunch post)_

Severus,  
It’s not poison, is it?  
Remus  
P.S. “Respected peer”? Am I to be flattered? Or alarmed?

_(received evening post)_

Lupin,  
Drink a goblet of it daily or I'll Apparate to your home and pour it down your ungrateful throat.  
S. Snape

_September 16, 1994_

Severus,  
It's still disgusting but I thank you.  
Remus

_September 17, 1994 (morning post)_

Lupin,  
You are an idiot. I need a new adjective.  
Snape

_September 21, 1994 (morning post)_

Severus,  
Please find enclosed a thesaurus to help with your need for adjectives. I have considerately marked the pages for the following: idiot, nitwit, numbskull, moron, imbecile and twit. Consider it a gift for the Wolf's Bane and my 'humanity' Monday evening.  
Remus

_September 25, 1994_

Lupin,  
You nodcock, what do I need a thesaurus for, unless it’s to find a new way to explain the horrors that is Neville Longbottom with a cauldron? What kind of simpleton do you take me for? You are truly an ignoramus if you think I’m that so uneducated as to need help from a book on adjectives to insult you as you, a foolish halfwit, deserve.  
S. Snape

_September 29, 1994 (afternoon post)_

Severus,  
I’m impressed you put my gift to good use. I am in Hogsmeade this weekend. Would you care to meet for lunch to discuss any new research you would like help with? It would probably be easier than sending instructions through the post.  
Remus

_(evening post)_

Lupin,  
That would be acceptable, but it’s NOT a date.  
S. Snape

_(late evening post)_

Severus,  
Of course not. I would never dream of inflicting my imbecilic mentality upon your astounding intellect unless it served a greater purpose.

That was sarcasm by the way. I wasn’t sure if you recognized it.  
Remus

_September 30, 1994 (early early morning post)_

Lupin,  
The owl woke me up to deliver that last piece of tripe. You will be purchasing lunch.  
S. Snape

_(evening post)_

Severus,  
Only if you eat bread and water. I’m unemployed, remember?  
Remus

_October 1, 1994 (morning post)_

Severus,  
I will be late getting to Hogsmeade so how about dinner instead? Something unavoidable has come up and I must be in London that morning and early afternoon. I have owled Rosmerta at The Three Broomsticks and told her to reserve a private room for our use. I will meet you there around seven-thirty.  
Remus

_(immediate response, hastily scribbled)_

Lupin,  
Are you braindead? You told the biggest gossipmonger in Hogsmeade that you will be having a private dinner with me? What maggot is eating what brains you have?

I suppose I’ll buy, since you apparently are as lacking in funds as in brains.  
S. Snape

_Thursday, October 13, 1994 (with a package similar to one received last month at this time with a smoking cauldron encased in a stasis charm carried by two hefty barn owls)_

Lupin,  
Drink one gobletful daily.  
S. Snape

(no response received other than a scribbled thanks on the same parchment, much to the recipient's amusement)

_Tuesday, November 1, 1994_

Lupin,  
Check your Daily Prophet and let me know when you are done hyperventilating.  
S. Snape

_November 2, 1994_

Severus,  
What the devil is going on at that school? I leave and suddenly Harry’s involved in the Tri-Wizard Tournament? Who thought this was a brilliant plan? Why is Dumbledore allowing it to continue? Harry must be removed at once! Why aren’t you doing something about this? 

I am shocked. I’m expecting an owl from Sirius, demanding to know what’s going on as well. Since he is Harry’s godfather he will have a right to know. Have Dumbledore contact Sirius immediately.  
Remus

_November 5, 1994_

Lupin,  
Ah, the sound of panicking Gryffindors. Music to my ears. To answer all of your raving questions, in order:

The usual deviltry is going on at this school. Just ask the Weasley twins.  
Yes, you leave and Potter winds up as the fourth champion of the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Therefore, it’s all your fault.  
Which 'brilliant plan' do you speak of? Having the Tri-Wizard Tournament restarted or having Potter allowed in it when he has no business doing so? To answer both interpretations, The Ministry is where you need to point fingers in both instances.  
Dumbledore is allowing this farce to continue because he doesn’t have a choice and is up to something, as usual. It's a binding magical contract and to break it would cause serious...problems for Potter.  
I am doing nothing about this because I do not care and have no control over it anyway.

As to your demand that Dumbledore contact the sainted convict at once, I believe he did that before I even wrote to you. Dumbledore may be insane but he’s far from stupid. Usually.

Severus  
P.S. No comments regarding the snog session at The Three Broomsticks? I’m disappointed in you, Lupin. Hoping it was all a bad dream?

_November 7, 1994_

Severus,  
I must put in writing for posterity:  
You. Are. An. Evil. Git.

I think you stole my knickers at The Three Broomsticks and that was more than a snogging session. I believe they call that a 'shag'.

Can I have my underwear back please?

Remus

_November 13, 1994 (left pinned on a pair of clean, folded underwear, along with a package of new underwear on Remus’ bedside table early in the morning)_

Lupin,  
Underwear as requested.  
Severus  
P.S. You make too much noise when you sleep, do you know that? If shagging eventually turns into sleeping overnight in your company, you will not, I repeat, NOT bark in your sleep or I will hex you into oblivion.

_November 13, 1994 (evening post...which arrived with a cheerful hoot loud enough to cause a certain Potions Master to jump out of his skin, drop a jar full of bubotuber puss into a potion that needed only a drop, causing a minor explosion that brought half the staff running to see if he was still alive. Thankfully, no one, especially Dumbledore, read the missive.)_

Severus,  
Is there a reason my new underwear has little paw prints on them?  
Remus

_November 18, 1994 (burned with great relish over a giant candle)_

Severus,  
Did you get my missive? I was only joking.  
Remus

_November 25, 1994 (wadded up, stomped on and then fed to a blast-ended skrewt when Hagrid wasn't looking)_

Severus? Did I do something? Please answer.  
Remus

_December 2, 1994_

To Professor S. Snape,

Please accept my formal apologies for any offense my snoring and/or sleep barking may have caused you when you returned my unmentionable garments to my home. However, may I point out you did, in fact, break into my locked and warded home while I was asleep to do so, and thus, I should be the injured party? However, as I feel we had broken the ice of long-standing childhood animosity, I am willing to put behind the grievance and continue in our relationship's path to whatever conclusion it begets.

Please answer my post forthwith. I shall be in Hogsmeade to do some holiday shopping this weekend and would like to meet with you if you have a moment to spare me.

Sincerely yours,

Remus J. Lupin, Esquire  
P.S. You great git. I don't what I did to brass you off but I demand that you haul your hot arse to the private room I'm leasing (at an expense I cannot afford, I might add) at the Three Broomsticks this weekend or I will humiliate you beyond all that you have ever experienced come Monday morning. 

_December 5, 1994 (morning post)_

Remus,  
I'm assuming retribution is not forthcoming?  
Severus

_(afternoon tea post)_

Sev,  
Shut your hole. I'm trying to enjoy the lazy buzz you have place upon my person. Where in the seven hells did you learn to do that thing with your tongue?  
Remus

_(evening post, right before bedtime)_

Remus,  
Glad you enjoyed it. You are a quick learner.  
Severus  
P.S. Please don't call me 'Sev'. 

_December 6, 1994 (held by a half frozen owl looking EXTREMELY annoyed at being made to sit outside the window all night)_

Severus,  
Of course I enjoyed it. You had to stop doing it to put up extra silencing charms so I wouldn't disturb the whole inn. I look forward to practicing your teaching method very soon.  
Remus

_December 8, 1994_

R,  
You had better be practicing on me, dammit. I won't have my wolf wandering off and 'practicing' a skill I taught him on someone else, especially that mangy cur, do you hear me?  
S.

_Friday, December 9, 1994_

S,  
Of course I'm practicing on you. Sirius is really not my type. I seem to have a preference for snarky, sarcastic Potions Masters. Besides, he's not here so don't get eaten alive by jealousy. Your wolf? I wasn't aware we'd laid claim to each other but I have no objections whatsoever to being 'your wolf' if last time we met is an indicator of anything.

On another note, I'm very sad today. John Lennon was killed 14 years ago. I've been depressing myself all day by playing all my Lennon albums. We've never chatted about things personal, beyond the physical part. What music do you like?

I need Christmas gift ideas besides potions ingredients and books. I noticed last year that was all you seemed to receive.  
R.

_December 10, 1994 (after an exhausting detention with the Weasley twins as well as dodging Igor Karkarov of Durmstrang that has left him cranky)_

R,  
Lennon? I figured the only Lennons you listened to were the Lennon Sisters, not John Lennon. 

I enjoy many types of music actually, but a Muggle cousin of mine actually got me hooked on Southern Rock. It's an American style that's a blend of rock, blues, and country/western. Likely you've heard of some of the bands: Charlie Daniels, Allman Brothers, Lynyrd Skynyrd and ZZ Top to name a few. I am rather hooked on the bluesy, rockabilly melodies and 'down home' Muggleness that reminds me of the more palatable members of my father's side of the family. I also enjoy the original jazz giants back in their gritty heydey. Cab Calloway is king.

Speaking of music, perhaps you would know. There was a catchy little tune that all my irritating 1st and 2nd years were humming to distraction. Something about 'baby come back' but it sounded reggae. A new Weird Sisters sound? I've never forgiven them for adding the bagpipes. 

As for Christmas, what are you doing the weekend of the 17-18? It's an open weekend that, thankfully, I won't have to worry about overseeing any brats, guests or anyone else liable to raise my blood pressure to dangerous levels. I need to offer tutoring lessons to someone with a brain.  
S.

_December 13, 1994 (arrived with the morning post, along with a copy of Witch Weekly that should have gone to McGonagall and some strange knitting book that was handed without comment to a delighted Dumbledore)_

S,  
The Shrieking Shack, I'll meet you at 7:30 on Saturday. Have to run.  
R.

_(went out with the lunch owl in a hasty scrawl that was NOT indicative of any concern whatsoever and the writer would hex you into the next decade for even mentioning the possibility)_

__

R,  
What's going on? Why so brief? You've never been this brief in your entire existence.  
S.

_December 19th, 1994 _

R,  
You weren't there. Where were you? I fell asleep on that purgatorial bed upstairs waiting for you Saturday evening.  
S.

_December 20, 1994_

Remus, if you don't answer my owls I will Apparate to your home and hex you blind.

_December 21, 1994 (morning post)_

Snape,  
Remus isn't here. What's got your knickers in a twist?  
Padfoot

_(evening post, sent by sender's personal tawny owl to avoid anyone checking the mail owls)_  
“Padfoot”,  
You heinous swine, where's Lupin? He was supposed to give me an evaluation on some new defensive spells we've been collaborating on. Is there anything amiss around there?  
S. Snape

_December 22, 1994 (morning post, that caused the recipient to choke on his pumpkin juice)_  
Snape,  
Nothing looks amiss, other than some godawful underwear with paw prints lying on the floor of his bathroom. What possessed him to buy those? They weren't spells that can't be tested at home, are they? Maybe he turned himself into that underwear?  
Padfoot

_(immediate reply on the same parchment)_

No. Please have him owl me when he returns with his results, you mangy mongrel. And spare me descriptions of his underwear, if you please?

_(lunch post, same paper)  
_ Why does this parchment reek of pumpkin juice?

_(immediate reply)  
Get stuffed, “Padfoot”._

__

_December 26, 1994_

Severus,  
My apologies. A first cousin and her husband on my mother's side were killed in a car smash. I had to attend the funeral. I was informed at the last moment, as my Muggle relatives have a hard time finding me. Padfoot stated you sent a couple owls regarding some of the spells we were working on. I don’t know why the owls didn’t go to my Muggle relations to deliver them. What spells would you have been referring to? 

I missed spending the holiday with you. I also did not get the Wolfs Bane potion in time so it was a miserable Christmas all around. I am thankful “Padfoot” was here, however, as he helped “Moony”quite a bit. Don't begrudge me that, please? 

How about New Years? Can you make it or do Tri-Wizard obligations keep you there?  
Remus

_December 27, 1994 (morning post)_  
R,  
You know damn well what “spells” I'm referring too. Is the mutt still there? I'll begrudge if want to. I was worried, you imbecile, though I'll hex you into Lockhart's current state of consciousness if you even mention it.

I can leave Hogwarts right after dinner on the 31st. I've already spoken with Dumbledore that I need to leave for Saturday and Sunday. He has granted permission, as long as I am returned for dinner Sunday evening. It's the best I can do.  
S.


End file.
